Humorous Quotes Seen on UseNet

This is just some silly stuff (and a couple devastating insults) I've come across on UseNet news and Slashdot. I've only included a few by Larry Wall, the author of the perl language and one of the wackiest guys on the net, but the CPAN archive has a comprehensive list of them.

• "We are Linux. Resistance is an indication that you missed the point." --Brandon Allbery (allbery@kf8nh.apk.net)
• "We build confusing systems; we haven't done a very good job" --Microsoft senior vice president Jim Allchin, at the 1998 WinHEC Conference
• "I guess this is another example of the 'vision' of Bill Gates (reminds me of Unicron from the Transformers)." -- Anonymous
• "One gets the impression that if Bill Gates went on TV and confessed to everything the DOJ and States accused him of, you'd implode in a frenzy of cognitive dischord." --Ben (angben@minn.net)
• "Note to self... don't piss off a perl guru with a cause..." --BoredAtWork
• "The vast majority [of] Perl users need threads the way a five-year-old needs an Uzi. Maybe even not that much." --Tom Christiansen (tchrist@jhereg.perl.com)
• "Freud would have had to write a whole new book about you." --Peter da Silva (peter@taronga.com)
• "Did your brain explode, or is paying attention to the topic beyond the capability of your elitist yankee ego?" --Peter da Silva (peter@taronga.com)
• "I develop for Linux for a living, I used to develop for DOS. Going from DOS to Linux is like trading a glider for an F117." --Lawrence Foard (entropy@world.std.com)
• "Calls to local [DEC] VARs... demonstrated that the VARs knew less about scientific computing than Pauly Shore." --goofoff
• "Making real interoperability between NT and standards based systems involves invoking spirits and performing animal sacrifices." --Greg (greg@rage.net)
• "Rest assured, that starting this month, Microsoft will be doubling as a wholesale support facility for Lawyers." --R.W. Hutchinson (rwhutch@nr.infi.net)
• "Do you enjoy looking like an idiot, or does it come naturally?" --jd9812@my-deja.com
• "Are you impressed? Are you thinking to yourself that The Gimp has got to be the single greatest thing since Linux itself? Are you willing to hurl America On-Line floppy disks at high velocities at the neck of anyone who suggests that you need to pay $500 for a decent photo manipulation tool? I thought so." --Rob Malda (malda@slashdot.org)
• "NT 5.0 is the last nail in the Unix coffin. Interestingly, Unix isn't in the coffin... It's wondering what the heck is sealing itself into a wooden box 6 feet underground..." --Jason McMullan
• "I used Visual Basic. I liked Visual Basic. I liked it a lot. I used Delphi. Visual Basic sucks so hard it bends light. It's amazing what a little bit of perspective does." --Anthony Ord (nws@rollingthunder.demon.co.uk)
• "...I'm not one of those who think Bill Gates is the devil. I simply suspect that if Microsoft ever met up with the devil, it wouldn't need an interpreter." --Nicholas Petreley, Infoworld, September 1997
• "Computers let you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila." --Mitch Radcliffe
• "On the whole, we've found that not having a phalanx of idiots in expensive suits [i.e. marketing] between us and our customers helps us stay closer to their real needs. Instead, we get our customer input via the Internet and direct peer-to-peer communication of day-to-day bugs, problems and opportunities." --Eric S. Raymond (esr@snark.thyrsus.com), Infoworld, June 1998
• "When Cygnus drops your Unix platform, you know you're marginalized." --Remande (remande@bigfoot.com)
• "The day I find a telnet-5250 app for Linux, PCOM [for Windows 95] will be kicked out so hard they won't track it with a radio telescope." --Leonardo Serni (L.Serni@agora.stm.it)
• "But time and time again, Jesse Berst has demonstrated that he clearly wouldn't know a clue if it sneaked up on him and chomped his naughty bits." --Shag (djb@scream.org)
• "If you've been pounding nails with your forehead for years, it may feel strange the first time somebody hands you a hammer. But that doesn't mean that you should strap the hammer to a headband just to give your skull that old familiar jolt." --Wayne Throop (throopw%sheol.uucp@dg-rtp.dg.com)
• "First off, I'd suggest printing out a copy of the GNU coding standards, and NOT read it. Burn them, it's a great symbolic gesture." --Linus Torvalds (torvalds@transmeta.com)
• "When you say `I wrote a program that crashed Windows', people just stare at you blankly and say `Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*'" --Linus Torvalds (torvalds@transmeta.com)
• "I've run DOOM more in the last few days than I have the last few months. I just love debugging." --Linus Torvalds (torvalds@transmeta.com)
• "We all know Linux is great... it does infinite loops in 5 seconds." --Linus Torvalds (torvalds@transmeta.com)
• "Software is like sex; it's better when it's free." --Linus Torvalds (torvalds@transmeta.com)
• "The memory management on the PowerPC can be used to frighten small children." --Linus Torvalds (torvalds@transmeta.com)
• "The new Linux anthem will be `He's an idiot, but he's ok', as performed by Monthy Python. You'd better start practicing." --Linus Torvalds (torvalds@transmeta.com)
• "Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had." --Linus Torvalds (torvalds@transmeta.com)
• "Down that path lies madness. On the other hand, the road to hell is paved with melting snowballs." --Larry Wall (larry@wall.org)
• "I'll say it again for the logic impaired." --Larry Wall (larry@wall.org)
• "Tactical? TACTICAL!?!? Hey, buddy, we went from kilotons to megatons several minutes ago. We don't need no stinkin' tactical nukes. (By the way, do you have change for 10 million people?)" --Larry Wall (larry@wall.org)
• "Personally, I like to defiantly split my infinitives" --Larry Wall (larry@wall.org)
• "There's some entertainment value in watching people juggle nitroglycerin." --Larry Wall (larry@wall.org)
• "Be grateful that There Is More Than One Way To Do It [in perl], because most of them don't work in Win32 perl" --Larry Wall (larry@wall.org)
• "Lisp has all the visual appeal of oatmeal with fingernail clippings mixed in." --Larry Wall (larry@wall.org)
• "It's God. No, not Richard Stallman, or Linus Torvalds, but God." --Matt Welsh (mdw@sunsite.unc.edu)
• "VMS is about as secure as a poodle encased in a block of lucite... about as useful, too." --wendigo@pobox.com
• "Again, the cluebus needs to hit you and then back up and hit you again." --Brian Wheeler (bdwheele@indiana.edu)
• "I would rather spend 10 hours reading someone else's source code than 10 minutes listening to Musak waiting for technical support which isn't." --Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center
• "So, how do you Control-Alt-Delete a DC-9?" --Dan Whipple (pswhip@lerc.nasa.gov)
• "Whip me. Beat me. Make me maintain AIX." --Stephan Zielinski