(By Penny A. Proctor.  This is in response to a challenge to write a J/C story of at least 200 words in which the letter "R" does not appear.  This is set early in the second year of Voyager's adventure in the Delta Quadrant.  As always, Paramount owns Star Trek and it characters.  Obvious salute to Jeri Taylor's "Mosaic.")

Janeway stood at a distance, watching as the EMH fussed and scanned and poked the unconscious body on the biobed.  The cold of the planet below seemed to have seeped into beneath the skin and she felt chilled to the bone, even in the meticulously maintained Sickbay.  Time seemed to be standing still, and she was shaking.

Kes, not needed by the EMH at that moment, spoke gently.  "Captain?  You should lie down."

"No," Janeway said.  "Not yet."  Chakotay's stillness was all she could focus on.  "It shouldn't have happened.  We had no notice, no inkling.  The ice shelf just collapsed."

"It was an accident.  No one could have guessed."

"I felt so helpless, Kes.  All that ice.  I kept digging but I couldn't get to him."  Bloody and flayed hands waved in mute attestation.  "So much ice."

"Come with me, Captain.  I want to help you."

"It was just like the last time.  Just like Tau Ceti."

Kes looked confused, but spoke soothingly.  "We got him out, Captain.  He will be fine."

" I said I would not feel this way again, not about anyone." 

"Captain, I think you should lie down and let me check you.  You have quite a bump, and a bad cut."

"Not yet.  Not until I know he's okay."  She was speaking too quickly, she knew that but couldn't stop.  "I watched my dad die beneath the ice, did you know that?  I watched my dad and my fiancé  die beneath the ice on Tau Ceti.  They both died and I lived.  And now it's happening again."

"Oh."  Kes hesitated, stunned.  What a thing to have seen, what a weight to keep so long.  "It's not.  Chakotay will live." 

"I felt so helpless.  I lost them both, I lost … Oh, god, Chakotay was beneath the ice and all I could see was them, both of them.  It was my fault, I should have done something…"

"Captain, it was an accident then, and it was an accident today. You had a flashback, that's all.  You shouldn't feel guilty.  You got Chakotay out."  Kes took the Captain gently in hand and walked to a biobed, one still in the line of sight with Chakotay's.  "Just sit down and let me check you."

Janeway kept looking at Chakotay, almost as if she did not notice Kes, but obeyed the Ocampan.  Somehow, she couldn't seem to stop talking; it tumbled out thought.  "No one was supposed to mean so much to me again.  I didn’t know I felt this way.  I don't know when he came to mean so much to me."

"I know.  Be still a moment, let me fix those hands."

"No.  I have to see.  If he dies, Kes, if he dies…"

"He won't.  We won't let him." 

The Captain's voice went dull and lifeless.  "Tuvok told me.  We shouldn't have gone on the same away mission.  The shelf just collapsed, Kes."

"I know.  You told me.  That's done, let's check that cut."

"I'm cold."

"Yes, I can tell.  It's shock.  We'll fix that."

"No.  If he dies, I will always be cold."

"He won't die.  Hold still, please.  I'm going to fix that cut."

The EMH swiveled, then walked to Kes's side.  "He's going to be fine, Captain.  A few aches and pains, but nothing lasting.  He'll be back on duty in a couple of days."

Eyes closing, she felt the cold begin to lessen.  As Kes continued to heal the cuts, she closed both eyes.  As the medication slowly took effect, the headache began to diminish and the anxiety began to fade.     

The sense of panic slowed, then stilled, and calm came in its place.  Calm and common sense and the knowledge that she had said too much. 

In a few moments she looked at Kes.  "I've been babbling, haven't I?"

Kes's eyes glowed with compassion.  "Nothing much.  Nothing to be put in the medical notes."

"How do you feel?" the EMH asked.

"My head is pounding, and I'm still a bit chilly."  

"Let's see."  He took the device out of Kes's hands and checked the data.  "Lucky as usual, Captain.  Nothing is significant.  Kes has healed the wounds; you just need to take some time to convalesce.  The Captain's cabin is an adequate location, as I assume you would like to feel at home.  Just stay put until I check you again."

She looked at Chakotay, who seemed to be sleeping peacefully.  "Thank you.  I'll do that.  I…I have some thinking to do."

Kes smiled.  "May I give you some advice?  Keep in mind that love, like life, balances pain with joy."

The Captain stood.  "It's not a balance, Kes, at least not in my life.  Pain wins, hands down.  I don't know if I have enough stamina to live it all again."

 "You do," Kes said quietly. 

Janeway stopped beside Chakotay's bed as she left, saying nothing but looking at him closely.  The need to touch him was too much, and she laid one hand softly on his chest.  His skin was alive, his pulse vital.  He would live, and with life comes hope.  Hope was enough in that fleeting moment.

The moment ended, and she faced Kes again.  "Maybe.  But I don't know if I have the guts to even attempt it.  Hell of a thing to admit, but I just don't know."

Kes's eyes misted as she watched the Captain leave.  What a shame, to have so much happiness in sight and still be unable to touch it. 

Well, at least they have plenty of time to find a solution, Kes thought.  Enough time, enough patience, and enough love can usually solve any difficulty.  He has the patience, they both have the love.  I just hope that they have enough time.