WELCOME TO ANDI’S

HOME GRIEF SITE

 

This site is targeted for parents who have lost a child or children because of a drug overdose and who continue to grieve and mourn their loss (whether it’s been a week, a year or 10 years). This is also for those of us whose family and/or friends do not understand why we have been unable to “go on with our lives,”  why we are unable to accept our child’s death, why we are not the “same” as we were before tragedy struck, and why some of us just don’t want to be alive.

 

I am not a psychologist or a “grief counselor”  -- I am a grieving parent whose only child died from a drug overdose a little over 2 years ago. Most of my family and many of my friends have given up on me and prefer to “pretend I don’t exist” rather than deal with my sadness. Some members of my family believe that I have “chosen” to be unhappy and have "chosen" to not “want” to go on living. A comfort zone on any level is beyond my reach.

 

Are you in the same horrific situation?

• Do you feel that NO one understands or even wants to understand?
• Do you dread waking up every morning?
• Do you feel that you are existing rather than living and that you are out-of-touch with the world around you?
• Do you go to work everyday (if you are still employed) with tremendous difficulty?
• Do you cry or become depressed for what seems to be no apparent reason?
• Are you angry and do you sometimes resent that your family or friends’ children are alive and well? Yet, you wouldn’t wish this pain on any of them.
• Do you feel that you are living a nightmare and wonder when you’ll “wake up”?

 

So . . . this home page has been created to help us connect through emails, the phone, or even in person  in order to feel, if only for a few moments, that we are not alone but there are others who are grieving as well..

 

This page is not an opportunity to proselytize religious based beliefs or to expound on how to get through tragedy with the help of God and/or Jesus.  Some of us are not fortunate enough to have spiritual faith to fall back on.

 

Please feel free to email me at andil60@yahoo.com or andrealessem@tcjf.org . Tell me your story and I’ll tell you mine. We can help one another – we can connect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FAMILY AND FRIENDS

PLEASE UNDERSTAND

 

Please talk about my child even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend my child never existed. I need to talk about him  - his childhood, his life and even his death.

 

Be patient when I’m agitated or wehn i have a "melt-down. My world is no longer secure.  Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just  listen to me and interject your feelings, knowing that you can’t fix it  . . . but also being aware that it's okay.

 

Don’t abandon me with the excuse that you don’t want to upset me or yourself. My grief is not your grief nor is it contagious. My world is painful and when you are too afraid to call me or say anything, you isolate me when I most need to be cared about. If you don’t know what to say, just say “I’m sorry.” You can even say, “I just don’t know what to say, but I care and love you and want you to know that.”

 

Just because I keep my grief under control (most of the time), does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have the time and desire to find out. Understand that when I say I’m “OK” or I’m “fine,” it only means that “I’m in control” for the moment and that could change in 5 seconds.

 

I am not strong. It’s an act - When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don’t see me. I am not still alive because of strength but because whatever “forces’ there may be, I am being made to stay alive and to suffer horrifically.

 

I will NOT recover. This is not a cold or the flu . . .  this is GRIEF!. My grief started the day my child took his last breath. Don’t think that I will be over it in a few months or even years for I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when he was alive, the life that we shared, the grandchildren I will never have, the hopes and dreams that I had for him that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.

 

I will always be grieving intensely and I will never forget my beautiful child. Rather than recover, I am trying to incorporate his life and love into my soul and my heart. He is still a part of me and always will be. Sometimes I remember him with joy and more often with tears. Both are okay.

 

When you tell me what I SHOULD be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel bad enough that my child is dead. Please don’t make it worse by telling me that I’m not doing this right.

 

Please don’t try to make me feel guilty or tell me that I’m being “selfish” or “self-absorbed.” I am unable to see beyond my grief and pain. Everyone else’s problems, to me, seem trivial. Nothing in life can be as horrible, as heart-wrenching, or as painful as losing a child.

 

I don’t understand what people mean when they say, “You’ve got to get on with your life.” My life will never “go on” and I will never be my "old" self again. So, please just love me as I am.

 

I need to know that you care about me. I need you just to be with me (even if you are miles away). I need to know that you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief (or not get through it) in my own way and in my own time.

 

Please don’t say, “call me if you need anything.” I’ll NEVER call you because there is nothing you can do for me. So in advance, let me give you some ideas:

 

v      Call me as often as you can

v      Talk about my child and the past (I am  terrified that people have forgotten him and even worse, that my memory of him is slipping away)

v      Talk about his death – it’s a fact of my life and will never go away

v      Understand that when I cry -- You are not “making me cry.”  The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because you care enough about me to reach out on a difficult day.

v      Please don’t be upset when I talk about dying. I don’t want to live . . . I see no reason to live. I only know how I feel!! My heart and my soul are overwhelmed with every time I take a breath.

 

Try not to judge me . Remember that I’m grieving. Sometimes I feel afraid, other times I feel rage and, I even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I’m experiencing pain unlike any I’ve ever felt before and probably unlike anything you’ve ever felt.

 

Please don’t tell me you KNOW HOW I FEEL!!. This is NOT like the death of your dog, a cousin, a spouse,  a parent, or even a friend’s child. This is the death of my child – my love, my life, my heart and soul. This is a death that should NOT have happened. I will NEVER get over it.